Unknown

I missed a call from an unknown number this morning. I was in the shower. Sorry.

I could only think of one person who could call me at that hour from an unknown number - but why now and why that number? Are you on your way to Manila? What are you doing in China? I'm scared it's you, actually. I was devastated when we ended. [And when you wanted to get back together, I told you I met someone else while I was away. It was only partly true. Mostly I was too scared that you would hurt me again.]




p.s.
Why do people come out of the woodwork when you're not in any mood to go out? Why don't any of you call me when I need a date? Seriously.

How to deal.

I had no time to be cool [previous post]. The decision and realization came over one day and delivered just as quickly, mercifully for both parties involved, in the space of three songs.

It was a thing I refused to put a label on. It also almost doesn't exist - there is virtually no evidence of the whole thing taking place [except maybe for the possibility of a video in an elevator]. But it was something, even without a label and the mementos. The question is, if you were not really together, is it still called a break-up?

I guarded myself very well against the pain of the invetable end but there still the aftermath. I'm only human after all. So here I am, trying to deal.

I allowed myself a full day to do what girls do when they need to deal : laze around in bed, watch TV, shop, eat a donut and spend some quality time in the salon. From here on, I just need to keep myself distracted. Work out, go out.

It sounds clinical and unsentimental but sentiment is the one thing I can't afford myself. It's not true that you can't chose how to feel - you can. What am I going to do? Mope around for a couple of weeks, eat some nasty carbs and look unhappy? I'm so not going to go there.

Cool.Not.

Without going into specifics, it would be hard to explain what I am worried about exactly. Actually, even with specifics, it would also be hard to explain the nature of my quandary. Anyway, it involves someone.

I hate not knowing. I'm a person who knows things. Not knowing is the worst kind of torture there is. And in this case, I have no choice but to wait and be the one thing I am not : COOL.

I hope it's only hormones

Let's not get into a discussion with what is wrong about my endocrine system but I hope that this funk is only due to a major onslaught of female hormones. I hope it's the time of the month and not some other chemical imbalance that requires mood-altering medication.

I woke up in such a terrible mood not even two donuts before 10am could fix it. TWO. I never even have more than one donut in a week.

It's that bad.

I am generally a nice person. But when I'm not feeling nice, it's ugly. I can say very very mean things. I have that kind of skill. I'm largely non-confrontational because I'm afraid of what I could say that could hurt.

This morning at the lobby, I asked a guy to go back to the end of the line waiting to get inside the elevator. I must have looked like a troll because once inside the elevator, he asked me if he ruined my day. I stopped to think and I said, now that you're talking to me, you've ruined it. FYI, our elevator can hold up to 20 people and this was during rush hour. I should've stopped a beat more and held my tongue.

Then I snapped at the staff and cried in the bathroom. I'm such a girl.

I should just go and run this thing out of my system.

Food